


Yellow

by Dummyboy



Series: A body of stars [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alec Ryder's A+ Parenting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Husbands, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 08:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15069563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dummyboy/pseuds/Dummyboy
Summary: "My dad was a good man." Ryder says."And you think you're not?"





	Yellow

 

"My father was a good man." Ryder says.

He's not facing Gil; back turned to him and looking out the glass of the tempest. Gil blinks slowly, realizing that Silas is talking to him, and not to himself, which is fairly standard for the Pathfinder. He sets down his datapad and turns towards his husband to take him in; Silas’ hair is cropped short at the sides, but he’s let the top grow long enough to be pulled back into a loose bun. He’s dyed over the unnatural orangey-red colour he’d had when Gil first met him a year ago, having recently made the switch to jet black. He’s wearing his standard issue initiative pants and a ratty gray t-shirt from the Citadel that’s covered in red paint splotches and grease stains. Gil still isn’t sure how he managed to smuggle the shirt (and a few other items, like his favourite set of novelty Christmas boxers and socks) onto the Hyperion. The main thing Gil notices, though, is how the Pathfinder’s sitting on the edge of the bed like he might bolt at any second. Judging by the distance between them, the strain in his back and his slow and deliberate breaths, Gil can tell that he has more to say.

"And you think you're not?"

Silas shrugs, then shakes his head. He still doesn't face his husband.

"No. I mean, yeah, but that's not where I'm trying to go with this." He scrubs his hands over his face and sighs.

Gil squints at the self-deprecating comment, but doesn’t say anything about it. He sits up, cross-legged, and lifts his hand to his husband’s shoulder. He squeezes Ryder’s shoulder, which makes Ryder tense. "It’s just me.” He says,“Take your time."

Silas nods, and turns so that Gil can see his profile, then takes a deep breath.

  


"My father was a good man, but I only know that because other people tell me he was," He starts. "He wasn't around when I was growing up, and by the time I was a teenager there was already too much of a disconnect; he’d been too busy with work, and I’d grown up faster than he’d realized. But Sara? She was smart. She had to be to study the Protheans, but she was smart when we were young too. She was practically an academic prodigy, which meant mom and dad always had time for her. Dad kept track of every accomplishment, scholarship, grant, whatever. I think that he would’ve liked her to continue the big-brained Ryder legacy, y’know? He probably would’ve picked her to be pathfinder if he could’ve." Silas stops and sighs again. He crinkles his brows in annoyance. It's good, Gil thinks, that Ryder is as bad at hiding his emotions as he is at poker. It's clear to him that Ryder's restraining himself, overthinking and carefully choosing his words.

  


"I sound like I hate my sister, Gil."

"You don’t sound like you hate her.” Gil knows that Silas loves Sara- Not that anyone could question it after what he went through to save her from the Archon, “But, jury’s out on your dad."

Silas snorts and smiles crookedly, but it looks hollow, like it’s just for show. "I don’t… I didn’t hate him, I just didn’t know him."

“Do you hate him now?”  
“I don’t know. It’s complicated.  **He** was complicated.”

Based on what he’s heard of Alec Ryder from his kids, Gil has a fairly clear picture of an absentee father, whose affections were reserved for those who he felt earned them. He can’t imagine that had been easy on Silas or Sara. Gil shifts again, inching closer to Ryder. He stretches out a leg and kicks his husband’s back lightly.

"You're not done, right? Keep going."

  


Silas nods and swallows, "Have I ever told you that I love you?"

"Not nearly enough, but don't change the subject."

Ryder pauses, darting his eyes up for a moment.

“Got me all figured out, huh, babe?”

Gil doesn’t take the bait, staring at the Pathfinder until he continues;

"I was never the smartest kid, but I tried to keep up with Sara. I wanted to get the kind of attention she did from our parents, but it was hard- being in her shadow. I never blamed her for it, God knows there was no reason to. I just, I mean, I think I hated that she was their favourite and I wasn't."

  


Gil nods as he listens, rubbing Ryder's shoulder. Ryder turns on the edge of the bed so that one of his legs is touching the floor and the other is bent over the edge of the bed.

“It’s not like being their favourite made it easier on her though; it just made it so that they were harsher when she let them down. I never raised their standards, so I could never fall short.”

There’s a tiredness to his words that Gil recognizes. It’s not their first time discussing the past, Gil had assumed that Ryder avoided specifics about his parents because their loss was too fresh. He was right that talking about it would hurt Ryder, but not for the reasons that he’d thought.

  


“I was bitter and I was angry when I was younger- more than I am now…  I took it out on Sara, and on myself.”

Silas takes Gil's hand from his shoulder and slides it down to his wrist, putting it over one of his old scars. The scar feels stiff under the pads of his fingers. The marred skin is paler and redder than the skin around it, discoloured and raised. Gil can't remember the story for this one, he's not sure that Silas ever told him about it, or if he’s ever asked, but now doesn’t seem like the time to.

“You hurt Sara?”

“What? No, no, I would never, **could** never... But I didn’t treat her well.” Silas shakes his head. “She always treated me normally, never lashed back. She’s always been so calm and level-headed.”

  


Ryder pauses like he’s unsure of his thoughts, before he continues, “Did I ever tell you why I got this?” The pathfinder gestures with his free hand to the bright yellow halo tattoo on his forehead. Gil had always thought that Ryder had got it done back in his Alliance days.

“I’m guessing it wasn’t just because you liked the aesthetic?” Gil asks. He knows he’s using comedy as a crutch to keep the conversation going, but he’s never been the best with confronting emotions, and he doesn’t want to screw this up.

“I mean, that was part of it, but it wasn’t the only reason.” Silas smiles at Gil’s attempt to break the tension, “I hadn’t joined the Alliance yet. I was still living with mom and dad, not that I ever saw them. I think it was a last ditch effort to get my dad to care- to see that I was spiralling and that I needed his help. I think I was trying to piss him off,  but he never said anything about it. Maybe he didn’t notice, maybe he just didn’t give a shit. He didn’t give a shit when I came out either, which, I mean… that could’ve been worse, I know. **He** could’ve been worse. He didn’t care when I left. I thought that would’ve made him proud, joining the Alliance, following in his footsteps. He was too focused on mom’s illness and SAM by that point. I’m glad he spent so much time on SAM now, though.” He points at his temple and huffs a laugh, “My AI brother has saved my skin more than I care to count.”

  


"But you had Sara, and your mom? Your mom must’ve cared, right?" Gil keeps his voice low and cautious. Ryder is taking a chance opening up like this, and Gil isn't going to scare him off by raising his voice or saying the wrong thing.

"Yeah, I guess she must've. I mean... she was there, and she cared. She cared when I told her about my first boyfriend and she was there when Sara and I graduated.” Ryder looks down at Gil’s hand, still covering his wrist, “She was always there when it mattered. But her work was important too, just like Dad’s. I think that's why they got along; being like-minded and all... I think that he realized he wasted their best years by the time she got sick... that's probably why he was so desperate for her to get better."

Silas pauses again, draws a heavy sigh, and gestures vaguely at the space between them.

"I don't want that for us."

  


Gil nods again, he **thinks** he understands what Ryder’s trying to say..

"You don't want us to grow apart like they did, right?"

Ryder closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"No? No. No, that's not..." He groans, "God, why is this so hard? Why can't I just..."

Gil squeezes his hand, trying to be patient. He knows what it’s like, trying to put feelings into words and failing. He might be able to read Ryder's facial expressions and body language, but that doesn't mean he can read his mind. He knows that it's not always easy to tell someone about the past, but he also wants Ryder to know he's here, and that he'll listen.

  


"All my life, I've been scared. Scared of not being enough, scared of losing my parents, scared of losing my sister- don’t even get me started on the other shit I’ve dealt with in this galaxy. Fuck, these last few months, I think I’ve been more scared than I have been my entire life. But Gil, even though I’m scared, I’m also the happiest I’ve ever been; Beating the Archon, finding out my mom’s alive, finding Meridian, finding you." Ryder's breathing is shaky and his body is becoming tense. He lifts Gil’s hand from his wrist and puts it on their comforter. Silas wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffles and then moves off the bed to stand.

  


"Babe..." Gil starts, already moving to follow him.

"No. Gil. Love," Silas holds his hand out to stop his husband, "let me finish, please. I need... I need to say this."

Silas paces for a moment, appearing to collect himself.

“I’m still scared, but it’s different now. I’m scared for Dian. I’m scared that we’re not ready for him, that I’m not going to be a good dad.” He cuts off suddenly, and Gil is suddenly aware of just how vulnerable Ryder really is right now. He’s never seen Silas like this; scared and defenseless.

“What if I end up like him?”

  


Gil stares at his husband, then pats the bed beside him.

“Hon, sit down. Please?”

For a moment, Gil’s not sure that Silas will, since he seems to be staring at the door, but the Pathfinder listens and sits.

“I’m sorry, Gil. I know this sounds stupid…”

“No, babe. It doesn’t.” Gil replies, then goes silent. The air between them hangs heavy, growing awkward, and Gil knows that if he doesn’t say something Ryder’ll change the subject to fill the silence.

“You aren’t your father, Silas.”

Silas looks down like he wants to interrupt, but Gil doesn’t let him.

“And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better.”

  


Ryder leans a little to the side, pressing his shoulder against Gil’s.

“You say a lot of things to make me feel better.”

Gil snorts. “Don’t be a smart-ass, babe.”

“You know you love it.”

“I do, but I’m trying to be serious.” He continues, “You aren’t him.”

“Yeah, I mean… I know that? But I know what happens when a father fails his kid.” Silas pauses, “Not that you don’t… Shit, sorry.”

Gil shakes his head, “No, it’s fine, I know what you meant. I just think you’re scared over nothing.”

Ryder’s brows furrow and he sits up properly so that he’s not leaning against Gil anymore.

“This is a kid, Gil. Do you even know how easy it is to fuck up a kid? Like, permanently? This isn’t like the Tempest’s drive core or something. If you fuck it up you can’t just, y’know... Un-fuck it.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Gil blusters. They fall quiet, sitting with what they’ve said.

  


“Look, babe.” The engineer sighs, “I’m not saying you’re going to be the perfect father, but I think we both know you’re damn well going to try, and that’s more than can be said for your father, or for mine.”

Silas nods, like Gil’s said something reasonable, but still doesn’t seem convinced.

“Everything is on my shoulders, Gil. Our survival in Andromeda, relations with the Angara, our defenses against the Kett - it’s all on me… and I know it’s important, but this is too. I’ve seen what putting duty above family does to people and I just don’t want being the Pathfinder to stop me from being there for him, or for you.”

Gil snorts and smiles a little. They wouldn’t have even met if Silas hadn’t been the Pathfinder, it’s a little funny that he thinks it would drive them apart.

“Then don’t let it.”

The Pathfinder rolls his eyes and huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, cuz it’s just that easy, right?”

Gil shrugs, “I know you, Silas. You take what life throws at you, roll with the punches and face your problems head on. It’s what you do, and it’s gotten us this far. Keep doing that and I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“This is different-”

“Is it?” The engineer interrupts, raising a brow at his husband, “You aren’t alone in this- in any of this. I’ll be with you every step of the way and Jill is going to help with Dian too. We’ve got this, we’re ready.”

Gil tries to ignore the look of unease Silas shows at the mention of his best friend. He figures that’s a can of worms for another day.

“What if **I’m** not?” Ryder mumbles.

“You are.”

“But-”

“I’m not expecting you to suddenly feel, I don’t know… secure about this? But you don’t need to be. Being a parent isn’t about being perfect and secure all the time, it’s about **trying**.”

  


Silas looks at his husband like there’s something on his face. Gil stares back at him and raises a brow.

“What is it?” he asks.

“You know... every once in a while, you say something that makes it seem like you actually know what you’re talking about.”

Gil chuckles, “Shit. Well, can’t have you thinking that.”

Ryder shoves Gil’s shoulder and laughs quietly, “Now who’s being a smart-ass, huh?”

“Still you, as per usual.”

“Yeah, as per usual...”

Silas lies back against the bed and pulls on Gil’s arm until he gives in and falls back too.

  


“I’m sorry to dump this on you, I know you had it rough growing up too...”

Gil nods, “Hon, just because I had it bad, doesn’t mean you had it better. Besides, I’m your husband. You can talk to me.”

  


“I know, I know. I just… I’m the Pathfinder, I can’t be weak, Gil. Not in front of you, not in front of anyone. I have to be strong, for all of us.”

“You know that’s not true. You’re human, like, well… not the rest of us, but like most of us. You’re not weak because you have emotions and you’re not going to let us all down by letting yourself feel.”

Ryder stays silent, Gil figures he’s letting what he’s said sink in.

  


“That goes for you too, you know.” Silas says.

“I let myself feel, Ryder.”

“I know that, Gil. I mean, you can talk to me about… stuff.”

“Ooh, stuff. That’s very specific, babe.”

“You know what I mean, you ass.” The Pathfinder jabs Gil’s ribs, and Gil laughs.

“You already know everything about me.” He says, and really, he’s being honest. He’s told Ryder about London, how things were when he was young, how he met Jill. It’s not that there’s nothing more to say, but that part of his life is over, and he’s ready to make new memories.

“There are things about me that you don’t know Gil- about my past… things you might not like.”

“I know there are things I don’t know, but I don’t need you to tell me about those right now.”  
“Gil…”

“I don’t mean don’t tell me **ever** , but if you’re going to tell me, do it on your own terms, when you’re ready.”

  


“Do you really think we’ll be good parents?” The Pathfinder’s tone is quiet.

“It’s kind of too late to be having second thoughts now…” Gil jokes, causing his husband to sigh.

“Gil, I’m being serious.”

“I know. I’m  just trying to break some of the tension, babe. I know you’ll be a good dad. I hope I’ll be good too… Maybe we both will be.”

Ryder nods and moves his hand so he can hold his husband’s. He gives Gil’s hand a squeeze.

“Jill sent me an email.” He says, and Gil smiles. He didn’t know that they’d been in contact since the wedding.

“Yeah? Did she try to scare you off?”

“No, no. I mean… not intentionally. She sent us a picture of Dian. It’s one of those shitty quality ultrasound pics.”

Gil sits back up again, “Shit, Ryder! Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He gets off the bed and walks over to Ryder’s email terminal and scrolls through until he finds the message. The picture is grainy, but he can kind of see the shape of a baby; he can see a head,  tiny feet and blobs he thinks might be hands. His chest swells with warmth and a smile spreads across his face. His heart feels so full and his lungs catch.

“Silas… that’s him, our Dian…” He drags his fingers over the cool glass of the terminal.

“What did you expect, an adhi?” Silas deadpans.

Gil snorts and turns back to look at his husband, who’s still lying on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. He sighs in realization, “Is this what’s brought this on?”

  


Silas shrugs, “It’s all so real now, babe. It’s real, and we’re real, and this is really happening. We’re gonna be dads.” He’s smiling a little, so Gil knows that he’s not unhappy or regretting their decision, but Ryder’s made his fears clear now.

“I don’t want to make the same mistakes as my dad, Gil. I think that’s what I’ve been trying to say. I don’t want my kid to be a stranger. I want to be there for him, and for you Gil. I don’t want our son to ever doubt that we loved him, or to feel like he has no value.”

Gil walks back over to the bed and sits beside his husband. Ryder readjusts himself so that his head is on Gil’s lap, and his knees are bent, then continues, “I want to be better than my father.”

Gil puts a hand in Ryder’s hair and touches it absently.

“Doesn’t seem like the bar’s very high.”

“It isn’t.”

  


Gil pushes Silas’ hair back out of his face, looking at his husband’s tattoo. The golden halo suits him.

“Well, we’d better hope you’re a better father than your old man, or else Dian might follow in your rebellious footsteps and get his forehead inked.” Gil jabs Silas’ forehead with his index finger.

Ryder snorts loudly at that, covering his eyes with his forearm.

“I couldn’t tell him off for it without being a hypocrite.” He laughs.

“Guess it’s good that I’m a hundred percent ink free then. I can critique him as much as I’d like.” Gil jokes.

  


“Trying to pretend you’ll be a hardass with our kid, Brodie?” Ryder asks, moving his arm away from his face to look up at Gil. He’s still as handsome today as he was when they first met, all those months ago. As he stares back into his husband’s deep brown eyes, it hits him, just how lucky he is. So many people have lost so much, sacrificed so much, in Andromeda. He’s been fortunate, he knows, to have found Ryder and to have made it this far.

“Nah, I’m sure we’ll both end up being cool dads that he never listens to.” Gil smiles.

“That sounds more realistic, yeah.” Ryder laughs, then smiles, “Do you think he’s going to look like you?”

“Maybe, I’m not sure. He’ll probably end up looking more like Jill.” The engineer closes his eyes, trying to picture their future child. He thinks that Dian will have dark hair like Jill, with tan skin and eyes like his.

“I hope he has your hair.”

“You want our kid to be a ginge?”

Silas shrugs, “I think your hair is cute, even though it’s a mess.”

“Ooh, I could swear there was almost a compliment in there.” Gil nudges his husband, making him laugh again.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t let it go to your head.”

  


Gil lifts Ryder’s head from his lap and shifts down the bed so that they’re lying beside each other, and rolls onto his side to face his husband.

“Hey.” Gil’s tone is quiet, “You know I love you, right, Silas?”

His husband laughs a bit, “I mean, obviously.”  
“Now who’s vain?”  
“Nah, I’m not vain.” The pathfinder says, “I just think it would be weird if we were married and you didn’t love me.”

Gil inches closer to Ryder and bumps their knees together, accidentally bunching the covers under them. He puts his left hand on the side of Ryder’s face and moves his fingertips along Silas’ jaw. He can feel some patches of stubble that Ryder must’ve missed during his morning shave and one of the many fresh scars Silas earned the last time he faced the Archon. He has so many new scars, Gil realizes as his fingertips trace a small burn mark on Ryder’s jaw. Gil’s lucky. Lucky that he made it off earth. Lucky to have survived the uprisings on the Nexus. Lucky to have been assigned to the Tempest. Lucky to have met the Pathfinder. He’s lucky to be alive and to be here, in this moment, with his husband.

  


He smiles, cradles Ryder’s jaw and leans in; he leaves a kiss on Ryder’s chin, one on his cheek and one on the tip of his left ear.

“Hon…” Ryder whispers as his face reddens.

“I love you.” Gil whispers. He grazes his lips against his husband’s, a warm feeling blooming in his chest. No matter how many times he kisses Silas, it always feels like the first time; like he can finally breathe again. He sighs against his husband’s mouth and closes his eyes before pulling away, making it easier to move his other hand up to Ryder’s face. Gil rubs a circle into Ryder’s jaw with his thumb and leans back in for another soft kiss, feeling Ryder tilt his head to kiss him back. He moves a hand down to Ryder’s waist, letting it rest on his husband’s hipbone.

  


“I love you.” He repeats, parting from his husband. His fingers play with the hem of his husband’s shirt as he leaves two kisses on the laugh line at the right corner of Silas’ mouth. He can feel his husband’s breath on his lips, and can smell his cologne.

“You’re supposed to tell me you love me back, you idiot.”

“Am I?” Ryder laughs and quirks a brow, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

Gil shakes his head, “Maybe you should leave the poetry for me, Hon. Clearly I've a talent for it.”  
“I thought we established it wasn’t your thing?” Silas reminds him, “‘Heleus are you healing us’?”

The engineer groans, “That took time, effort, and 36 hours without sleep to write, Ryder.”

“Of course, how could I critique the work of a master?” The Pathfinder winks at his husband, “I love you, Gil Brodie.”

“And I love you, Silas Ryder.”  
  
---  
  
 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Mya, Amy and Kezia. I couldn't have written this without help from you guys.  
> You can follow me on tumblr @dummyboyo.


End file.
